Curmudgeon's Cookery - Scottish Humor

Robert Burns (1759-1796)
Stephan Traceries Pecan
Fare morn to e'en it's nought but toiling,
At baking, roasting, frying, boiling;
An' tho' the gentry first are stechin,
Yet ev'n the ha' folk fill their pechan
Wi' sauce, ragouts, and sic like trashtrie,
That's little short o' downright wastrie...
The Twa Dogs
[Translation: stechin = stuffing, pechan = stomach,
trashtrie= trash or rubbish]

Burns honored his Scottish heritage with the poem Address to Haggis.

This is remembered (although not in culinary circles) with the Burns Supper.  Recital includes a group in formal kilt wear, dirks, pipes, and the guest of honor, the oatmeal-mystery meat boiled up in a sheep's stomach. There have been numerous jokes regarding kilts, pipe music, and haggis. 

MacWaiter: "How's the food?"
MacShimidh: "Tis good and tis bad."
MacWaiter: "What's bad?"
MacShimidh: "The haggis. Twas an auld, auld sheep it be."
MacWaiter: "So what's good?"
MacShimidh: "The portions are small."
                            ***
MacWaiter: "Are you here for a special occasion?"
MacShimidh: "Aye, the Miss and I won the third prize in the
annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two."
MacWaiter: "What were the other prizes?
MacShimidh: "The second prize was a haggis dinner for one,
and the first prize, you didn't have to go to dinner."

Footnote: Those seeking genealogical enlightenment, the Gaelic name "MacShimidh" (pronounced as Mackimie) means "son of Simon,"  with the Clan of Simon Frazer of Lovat who fought for Robert the Bruce. This Simon Frazer reportedly died at the battle of Halidon Hill, 1333. 
The name seems to have changed to Makemie and McKemie.  One of the tartans representing the Frazer (McKemie) clan is shown to the left. 

A Very Veal Dinner "At a dinner given by Lord Polkemmet, a Scotch nobleman and judge, his guests saw, when the covers were removed, that the fare consisted of veal broth, a roasted fillet of veal, veal cutlets, a veal pie, a calf's head, and calf's-foot jelly.
The judge, observing the surprise of his guests, volunteered an explanation. 
'--Ou, ay, it's a' cauf; when we kill a beast, we just eat up ae side, and doun the tiher.'" -Isabella Beeton A Book of Household Management

Ulster Scotch-Irish Dining In 1810 English traveler John Gamble reports his experiences of Ulster Scotch-Irish dining in the book Scotch-Irish Pioneers in Ulster and America:
"Stopping at a roadside cottage one day for dinner he decided that he would ask for eggs, as safer than some foods of unknown composition.
The good woman who presided over the home roasted an egg or two in ashes before her blazing fire. When he asked if they were done, she took a long pin with which she had been picking her teeth and thrusting it into the side of the egg:

--'Ah! weel-a-wot, surr,' proceeded she, presenting it to him: 'it's as weel done an egg as ony in Christendom.'
Bread, with butter dexterously spread with the thumb, after the custom of the people, completed the meal."

Scottish Frugality "Breakfast in those auld-langsyne days was simple oatmeal  porridge, usually with a little milk or treacle, served in wooden dishes called 'luggies,'....The midday meal, called dinner, was usually vegetable broth, a small piece of boiled mutton, and a barley-meal scone...
The evening meal was called 'tea'...of half a slice of white bread without butter, barley scone, and warm water with a little milk and sugar in it, a beverage called 'content,'...supper, usually a boiled potato and a piece of barley scone. Then family worship, and to bed."  John Muir The Story of My Boyhood and Youth.

MacShimidh: "I appreciate the cold plate and cold fork for the salad, but why is the butter knife hot?"
MacWaiter: "Tis policy of the management. Butter is a wee bit expensive, so we save a little.."
                                          ****
Restaurant Consultant to Baker: "You should make the donut holes bigger. With less donut in the middle, you will save money."
MacBaker: Later. "Your advice stinks. I tried your suggestion, but with the bigger holes, it took more dough to go around. I didn't save any money. Go back to England!"

Oats Samuel Johnson's first dictionary defines oats as: "A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people." Of course, the Scots answered this slander by saying that while in England they raised fine horses, in Scotland they raised fine men. 

Peanuts A visitor to an old folks home in Inverness keeps getting more and more helpings of peanuts. While they are real tasty, he is curious why the home has so many. "Ah, Surr, they 'ha no teeth, and suck off the chocolate covering."

Smooth Cake Frosting  The judge samples a tasty cake at the fair show, and sees that the frosting is very smooth. He asks the proud little lassie exhibiting the cake, "How did you make the frosting so smooth?" "Twas naught difficult, I used me tongue.

Kermit McKemie mailto:kmckemie@astound.net