Curmudgeon's Cookery - Tasty Critters
"
Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)
Early Man, when he was hungry enough or starving, would chase down and catch, drag back, skin, sometimes cook, and then eat, whatever he could. Modern Man, in times of famine caused by war, crop failure, or simply being days remote from the closest store, will do the same. The fare, then and now, was not always fine venison or stewed rabbit. Sometimes the entree would be mystery meat such as crispy insect critters, "city squirrel," or a surplus old horse. Most cultures today have foods--"redneck pizza" (road kill on a busy highway), balut, chitlins, etc.--what others would decline.
Folk Myths.
A number of crazy stories have been around such as giant alligators lost in the sewers of New York City, old bones ground up fine and mixed into flour, or worms adulterating hamburger meat. Since a pound of fishing worms costs more than a pound of plain ground up beef, I think we can discount the latter. But some stories may be true!
Once upon a time in elegant Beverly Hills, California there lived this cute
miniature poodle. Her endearing name was Fifi. One day little Fifi got outside,
got confused, and got into the lawn sprinklers. Itsy bitsy Fifi became very,
very wet. Tearfully, her mistress rescued poor tiny Fifi, and wanting to be
helpful, decided to use the kitchen's microwave oven to dry off the crying
creature.
E-X-P-L-O-S-I-O-N . .
Another myth concerns "Peking Poodle." One of the best accounts is
by Calvin Schwabe in his book Unmentionable Cuisine regarding Hong
Kong and dog meat (euphemistically "fragrant meat"). "..European
tourists...were traveling around the world with their dog and went to dine at a
highly recommended restaurant. They encountered a formidable language barrier
but persisted in ordering a resplendent dinner and, amidst much confusion and
gesturing, also conveyed, so they thought, the additional idea that their poodle
was hungry, too, and was there not something in the kitchen he might eat?
As the dog was led off by the waiter, they commenced to embark on their
delicious, many-coursed dinner. Its culmination was a triumphant processional
from the kitchen. The silver tray with domed lid was ceremoniously unveiled for
the meal's piece de resistance only to reveal--you guessed it--their dear
poodle."
Doggerel Verse
"...he brightened up
And thought himself in luck
When close before him what he saw
Looked something like a duck!
Still cautious grown, but, to be sure,
His brain he set to rack;
At length he turned to one behind,
And pointing, cried "Quack, quack?
The Chinese gravely shook his head,
Next made a reverend bow;
And then expressed what dish it was,
By uttering "Bow-Wow-Wow!" (Anon.
Vender gato per liebre. In Spain rabbits are often displayed with furry paws intact, so as to prove that the item is not cat.
Rabbit Sandwiches.
How Clem got the idea, the Lord only knows, but somehow he got the notion he could make quite a bit of change by selling rabbit sandwiches. Anyhow, he put a stock out in front the house and started selling them like hot cakes to the autos what come through with out-of-state folks in them.
He went along pretty good for a couple of months cutting bread and spreading on rabbit meat, and then one day the pure-food officer come down from Bangor and dropped in on him. He says to Clem, 'How in Sam HiIl do you git enough rabbit meat to put in all them sandwiches?'
'Oh, I git it,' says Clem.
'Is it all rabbit meat you use?' says the feller.
'Every bit of it's rabbit meat,' says Clem, 'that is all but
just a mite.'
'Then you do use a little other meat?'
'Just a mite now and then,' says Clem.
'What other kind of meat do you use?'
'Sometimes I just put in a pinch of horse meat to give it foundation.'
'I don't see how you have enough rabbit meat even then,' says the
feller. 'What proportion do you use?'
'Fifty-fifty,' says Clem.
'Fifty-fifty, eh? Seems to me that's quite a pinch. How do you measure to
be sure it's fifty-fifty?'
There ain't no trouble to that,' says Clem. 'I take one rabbit
and one horse.'" Seth Parker's Album
Mystery Soup. In the investigation of an unsanitary eating
establishment, the District Food and Drug office sent in a sample for analysis.
"A large soup stockpot arrived at the laboratory. Upon examination we found
chicken feet and chicken heads. That was not too bad, but further investigation
disclosed egg shells, masses of chicken feathers, some slivers of wooden
flooring--perhaps part of the chicken coop--and a muddy sediment."
August Glaive Pure Food and Drug in California
Win, Place or Show. A journalist suggested that grading should be "Win, Place, or Show" instead of "Prime, Choice, and Good" grades after disclosure of horse meat substitution in hamburger patties. The meat syndicate was selling as many as 100,000 patties a day before it was caught and stopped by California authorities in 1948. August Glaive
When We Have Nothing Else. "To supply our men and visitors we have killed and eaten ten wild horses bought from the Indians. This will make you pity us, but you had better save your pity for more worthy subjects. I do not prefer it to other meat, but can eat it very well when we have nothing else." Narcissa Whitman (letter to her family May 3, l837)
Eat Crow! "Food shortages in the United States are so acute that in some states we are already eating horse meat, and in Oklahoma a state official urges that we eat crows, which he says, taste like roast duck." Clarence Birdseye American Magazine July, l943
Kermit McKemie mailto:kmckemie@astound.net
